Dear Les,

I am a 35 yo male and for me and my partner stress cancels out our desire to have sex during the week.  We both have stressful jobs and usually don’t get home until after 8 and sometimes later when we are much too exhausted to do much more than kiss each other goodnight. This seems like a sad waste to me and I wonder what we can do to increase sex drive besides drugs or becoming lifeguards.  Thanks for any advice.

Tired

Dear Tired,

Too much stress sucks away sex drive because it automatically launches our bodies into fight-or-flight mode, a survival mechanism that puts responding to stressors way ahead of pleasure on the priorities list.  Let’s go to the animal kingdom to illustrate this point: a gazelle that’s being chased by a hungry lion doesn’t stop along the way to cruise at the local watering hole—his/her only concern is fighting or fleeing that feline.  In human terms, your jobs are the lions, and you gazelles are too spent from “fighting and fleeing” them all day when it comes time to do the ‘wild thing.’  Plus, the mental attention you need to get aroused in your bedroom may still be back in the conference room.

Aside from trips to the medicine cabinet and new careers at the beach, here are a few libido-boosting ideas:

Decompress
Do something after work to relax so that you can more easily transition from a stressful day to a sexual night: go for a walk, take a shower, get a massage or read a romance novel.  Done together, these cool downs can heat up your mating mood.

Pump out the stress
Working out is one of those after-work activities that can really clear the decks of daily stress so the Love Boat can set sail.  Make sure this strategy leaves you with enough energy to sexercise later on.

Make a date
Plan one day each week when you both leave the office earlier than usual.  Go on a date or just meet at home and figure out what to do with your extra time, and the additional energy you might have thanks to working a little less.

Mate in the morning
Is a.m. sex an option?  Many of us are socially conditioned to think of sex as an evening-only affair, but this simple rescheduling can do away with the pressure to perform after sundown.  If you’re really adventurous, and your schedules and locations allow, how about a little afternoon delight?


Maybe just focusing on the too-tired-for-your-sex thing as a “sad waste” will motivate both of you to reduce the strain of your jobs so that you can more fully enjoy your sex lives and other endeavors that are important to you.  Besides, these extra-occupational activities are vital counterbalances to all the stress, and surely work to make work more enjoyable and productive.

Les
5/08