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YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS!
Dear Les,
My roommate and I are pretty good friends. We do a lot of things together like going to the gym, eating and going to bars. Because she’s around a lot, I tend to tell her about problems I’m having with school, guys, health worries or whatever. It’s nice to have someone you can do that with, but we often end up talking about her because she somehow manages to best me on everything—I get a bad grade on a test, she’s got a 20 page paper due tomorrow—I’m low on money, she’s got 5K in credit card debt—I’ve got a cold, she’s got gonorrhea. I’ve wanted to confront her on what she does, but it is really hard to do that. I know it’s important not to keep things inside but I think it’s also important to sometimes feel like you and your problems are the main topic of conversation. What do you think?
Me
Dear Me,
You’re so right! We all need the spotlight to ourselves sometimes to spew the good, the bad and the ugly. Could you preface your next sharing session with something like, “Hey Girlfriend, I’d like to talk with you and need to keep the focus on me; talking with you is really helpful… sometimes we get off topic and it leaves me needing more. You should let me know when you need the same support from me, and when I go on too much about myself.” If you do decide to talk with your roommate about her communication style, you might practice what you’ll say to reduce the stress of saying it.
But maybe you don’t want to risk harming what sounds like a generally positive relationship. Are there other people in your life who could lend you their ears when you want to get something off your mind and/or get advice? Can you expand or build a network of supporters, some of whom may be more appropriate for particular topics: other friends, relatives, RA’s, advisors, counselors, medical care providers, support groups, discussion boards? Considering and cultivating your sources of support in this way can really come in handy when major stressors call for quick and reliable assistance.
To facilitate your construction of a strong network of supporters, here’s a simple screen test to see if candidates are right for their roles. List your nominees and place their names in the spaces before each statement below and then note which sentences ring true. Those who score “Yes’s” for all or most of these qualities may be the supporters you want to cast.
is sincerely interested in my well-being.
asks me questions about my stressors and concerns.
remembers from one conversation to the next the basic content of our previous conversation(s).
respects my confidentiality.
focuses on my situations and concerns without constantly interjecting his/her own experiences.
Mirror, mirror on the wall: how do you rate when your friends call? Now, put your name before each sentence and see what happens; it’s only fair and hopefully growth-promoting to check our own support skills. Perhaps you and your roommate can take the test together as a conversation starter on the issues that you so nicely outlined in your question.
Les
3/07
Reader Feedback
Les,
I like your advice in You Think You’ve Got Problems. It drives me crazy when people go on and on about themselves and seem barely interested in what others have to say. I think you might be giving an example of "I" statements-something I learned in a seminar a while ago. The idea is that when you're bothered by something someone is doing-or not doing-it can help to talk about it from the first person so as not to put the other person on the defensive. So this woman might say something like: "When you keep changing the subject, I feel hurt and frustrated and I feel like you're not really interested in what I have to say". I think that's the gist of it, but correct me if I'm wrong.
Dear Reader,
You got the basic idea! I suggest adjusting your statement to read, "I feel hurt and frustrated when the subject keeps getting changed. It makes me wonder if you're interested in what I'm saying." I turned down the spotlight a bit; the wording changes are minor, but their impact may yield a bigger payoff.
Les
1/08
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