Dear Les,

My boyfriend and I have high stress jobs from which we need relief—especially before bed. We don’t make crazy love for hours like they do on HBO, but we’re wondering if a nightly quickie would help us sleep better even if we didn’t really feel like doing it.

Sex Z’s

Dear Sex Z’s,

Enjoyable sex, whether it’s solo, with company, efficient, or HBO-style, usually lubricates the way to relaxation and sleep by releasing muscle and emotional tension built up during a stressful day, and during the sexual activity itself. To prove it, let’s try a Hallmark Channel sex simulation: close your eyes, hold your breath and make tight fists for a few seconds, then exhale, relax your hands, and feel the strain dissolve (moaning may be censored). That’s the Cliff’s Notes version of our overall physical goings on during and after sex: tension increases, tension is released, relaxation follows.

Now let’s invite emotions to join the party. Groovy feelings about our sex usually enhance the relaxation that follows the experience. On the other hand, emotions like pressure, guilt, fear and frustration may keep some of the physical tension in place, especially if those thoughts hang out after the festivities wind down. So, you and your boyfriend probably need to figure out the extent to which your lack of interest in starting and then having bedtime sex will cancel out your post-sex warm and fuzzies. You may just have to play around and see what works or doesn’t work to relax both of you. Sex habits can form quickly, so if you’re not up for your sex lives becoming just a means to relaxation and falling asleep, you’d be wise to also monitor this ingredient in your sex relief experiment.

By the way, orgasms are not necessarily required for relaxation, and lullabies can also take the form of massage, cuddling and other sheet music.

Les
1/07